Food Without Morals

May 25, 2010

Dude, your ED is boring

Filed under: everyone has problems,Food is hard! — by Katie @ 3:29 am

Being in recovery from my eating disorder has made me a very boring person, unfortunately.

Suddenly, I am terrified to cook. I am scared to cook because everything I like to cook, or bake, or, um, flambé? now seems like it contains a million and one CALORIES, and oh my God, of course eating that will kill me. I like plain things where I can gauge the calories, or prepackaged things where they are written out there for me.

Calorie counting, needless to say, is something I’m working on. My nutritionist gave me a meal plan to follow to help regulate my eating habits (which is something I need, considering starving all day and then binging at night is not really “healthy eating”), and I had to stop adding up the calories because it was DRIVING. ME. INSANE. It turns out my (twisted, eating disordered) opinions about what I need to maintain my weight are different from my (healthy, university-trained) nutritionist’s. BIG SURPRISE.

Right now I have been doing okay, not really using eating disorder behaviors, except, well, I can’t do parties. Parties are total triggers for me at the moment, and so I finally decided to avoid them.

This is how boring my life is. I have to say no to parties. I eat on a schedule. I spend three hours three nights a week in intensive outpatient therapy group, one hour once a week at my nutritionist, and one hour a week at my therapist’s. I am devoting a huge chunk of my time (and money; more on that later) to my recovery.

Needless to say, this is preferable than spending that same time and money on my eating disorder.


April 2, 2010

Recovery Chronicles

Filed under: everyone has problems,Food is hard! — by Katie @ 5:26 pm

I’m sorry about the previous post. I understand that eating disorders are not really a fun thing to read about. Let me assure you that they are not really fun to talk about, either.

They are, however, necessary to mention. How many times a day are we bombarded with imagery that we are too this, not enough that; how many times today have you heard someone criticizing their body? How many times have you seen someone refuse food because, “Really, I shouldn’t.”

I teach second graders once a week. We were discussing digestion, and one of the girls said, “And if you don’t eat a lot, you get thin.” She meant this as a positive thing.

This is a second grader, y’all. And I don’t say that as in that she is too young to be worried about her weight- I say that as in we are all too¬† young to worry about our weight. When did I start hating myself? When did I decide I was fat? And how much time have I spent since then focusing my entire being on that hatred?

If you could channel the self-hatred of all the men and women who look in the mirror and hate what they see, we would have the perfect alternative energy source. It would never run out.

I could power my electricity for months on the sheer energy I spend praying that my thighs will get smaller.

I am not going to go into details about what recovery entails. Needless to say, it involves many gross bodily functions that I have screwed up with years of misuse. It involves constant anxiety attacks, because there is no way I need to eat that much, because my body runs perfectly fine on 400 calories.

Recovery from an eating disorder is all about relearning. It is hard to relearn how to eat normally when all the normal people seem to regard their food as some kind of enemy, as more than just food. I would just like some positive examples that I can look to.

March 30, 2010

Trying to Eat with an Eating Disorder

Filed under: everyone has problems,Food is hard! — by Katie @ 10:01 am

This is going to get a little intimate, but it’s something I need to get out there.

I’m bulimic.

Phew, it’s out there. I’ve been bulimic “officially” for about a year now, although I’ve had an eating disorder off and on for about seven years; my last relapse was a year ago, and it was pretty bad. I lost twenty pounds, I cut my calories, I threw up over and over again, I abused laxatives. I made my body the enemy, and I was determined to win.

My goal was to hurt myself, and it was easy to achieve. I had chest pains, stomach cramps, acid reflux, diarrhea. I had them during the day, but they woke me up at night, too. I became potassium deficient, which gave me leg cramps so bad that they pulled my muscles. When I binged, I ate so much that I could physically not fit any more food in my body. I purged enough that I started to lose my gag reflex, and consequently my ability to throw up. If I couldn’t throw up, I would have panic attacks. I started to schedule my binge/purge sessions so that my gag reflex would have time to recover. I would binge and purge twice a day, three to four times a week. I took laxatives at least four times a week.

And then, last Thursday, I stopped.

I don’t know if it’s for good, but I stopped.

I was tired. I was sick, and I was exhausted. I have spent the last year thinking about how wasteful I am, how much money I have spent on food, money that I can’t afford to waste. I have spent the last year wondering why I spend so much of my time, energy, money, and resources on killing myself.

And then I woke up on Thursday, and I thought, “I could stop.”

And I stopped.

Recovery is going to be a lot harder than having an eating disorder ever is. An eating disorder is easy. Don’t listen to all that talk about willpower, because that’s bullshit. There is nothing easier than giving in to that voice that says, “Who told you that you deserve adequate nutrition, you stupid, fat fuck?”

And you know what? I did. I finally said that seven years of self-loathing is enough to last me a lifetime. I said that it is stupid to spend the rest of my life starving myself to death. I said that I can eat.

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