This is going to get a little intimate, but it’s something I need to get out there.
Phew, it’s out there. I’ve been bulimic “officially” for about a year now, although I’ve had an eating disorder off and on for about seven years; my last relapse was a year ago, and it was pretty bad. I lost twenty pounds, I cut my calories, I threw up over and over again, I abused laxatives. I made my body the enemy, and I was determined to win.
My goal was to hurt myself, and it was easy to achieve. I had chest pains, stomach cramps, acid reflux, diarrhea. I had them during the day, but they woke me up at night, too. I became potassium deficient, which gave me leg cramps so bad that they pulled my muscles. When I binged, I ate so much that I could physically not fit any more food in my body. I purged enough that I started to lose my gag reflex, and consequently my ability to throw up. If I couldn’t throw up, I would have panic attacks. I started to schedule my binge/purge sessions so that my gag reflex would have time to recover. I would binge and purge twice a day, three to four times a week. I took laxatives at least four times a week.
And then, last Thursday, I stopped.
I don’t know if it’s for good, but I stopped.
I was tired. I was sick, and I was exhausted. I have spent the last year thinking about how wasteful I am, how much money I have spent on food, money that I can’t afford to waste. I have spent the last year wondering why I spend so much of my time, energy, money, and resources on killing myself.
And then I woke up on Thursday, and I thought, “I could stop.”
And I stopped.
Recovery is going to be a lot harder than having an eating disorder ever is. An eating disorder is easy. Don’t listen to all that talk about willpower, because that’s bullshit. There is nothing easier than giving in to that voice that says, “Who told you that you deserve adequate nutrition, you stupid, fat fuck?”
And you know what? I did. I finally said that seven years of self-loathing is enough to last me a lifetime. I said that it is stupid to spend the rest of my life starving myself to death. I said that I can eat.